I’ve been really quiet this past week for a couple of reasons. The first being, I just took on some bigger responsibilities at work and it has kicked my butt. I love that it’s keeping me busy and my mind occupied but it’s also been exhausting. The other reason I’ve been quiet started last weekend. Did you all know that May is Mental Health Awareness Month? I just noticed that this year for the first time. In light of that, I thought I would share a little bit of my story with depression. I’ve struggled with depression over the past couple of years and have been in counseling since. For about a year I’ve felt like I had it under control or whatever that means. I felt like I had “conquered” my depression. Those of you that have also struggled with depression know that’s not really possible.

Last Saturday I started feeling down, which probably had something to do with Mother’s Day the next morning. My life has changed so much since I lost my mom 16 years ago and this past year has especially been an amazing whirlwind. But just because I’ve had a “good” year doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to experience whatever this is. The first and last time I was hit with depression was after my last relationship ended. It was fast and furious and ended as quickly as it began. During our relationship my aunts health declined and then she passed. It all happened so fast; the relationship, sickness, and death, that my emotions couldn’t catch up. A few weeks after the breakup, every painful loss I had experienced came pouring out. It was like an emotional avalanche where I couldn’t control my emotions anymore, there were too many to feel and process and I wasn’t prepared. Those were some of the darkest days I have ever experienced. I dragged myself out of bed for work but that was about it. Work was good for me and was the only place where my feelings felt neutral. But when I would get home I would hide under the covers and sleep and not feel anything. Depression is this weird conflict of emotions; you feel too much and therefore you almost feel nothing. I know that doesn’t really make sense but it’s really difficult to explain. It’s like things are happening all around you but you don’t notice or just don’t care. Depression is no joke. I was in therapy every week and sometimes would just sit and cry. My therapist would bring out a feelings chart because I wasn’t able to express anything other than “okay”. Therapy is the hardest but most rewarding work I have ever done. Since then I haven’t felt those down or depressed feelings until last weekend.

I am by no means where I was a couple of years ago but the same thoughts and feelings aren’t there but it’s familiar to me. I have a fear of being in that place I was two years ago. I knew something was going on when I pretty much stayed in bed all last weekend and a couple of friends texted me and it took all my effort to send a simple text back even hours later. I tend to isolate myself when I feel this way and I hate that. I’ve worked so hard over the last couple of years and have the tools I need so that I don’t crawl back into my hole. I also have an amazing husband who is so understanding and kind. While I was hiding in the bedroom writing he was painting the living room. I feel a little useless but we both know it’s important to take care of yourself. I thought I would be over feeling this way but it hasn’t happened yet. I just don’t feel “my normal” and I hate it. I’m super critical and incredibly hard on myself in all things including depression. I need to remember to give myself grace. It’s okay to take the time to process whatever this is and rest.

Have you heard of Jen Gotch? Well I think she’s amazing and the founder of shopbando. She’s so open and honest about her mental health and shares so many of her ups and downs with her 200k+ followers so I thought I could share with the handful of mine. It has taken me daysssss to finish this post because I keep editing what I think people will want/not want to hear. I crave honesty in all of my relationships and so it always needs to start with me. If I can’t be honest then I can’t expect it out of others.

I’m going to focus on self-care this week which is super hard for people that struggle with depression, you can read more about that here. I’m planning on doing the following:

• take a bath
• put on a face mask
• make a delicious cup of tea
• go through my closet (I know this doesn’t sound very “self-carey” but it’s something I really need to do and it stresses me out! So in hopes of eliminating a little stress I’m going to do it.)

These things might sound so small and silly to you but for me they are things that I have enjoyed at one time or another…well maybe not the cleaning part 🙂

I also don’t feel as bad as I did last weekend. Emotions are tricky and unpredictable which I don’t like. I’m learning to let go and embrace where I’m at right now.