It’s just like riding a bike

Leave a comment August 21, 2018 VLM

My husband got me the best birthday present and possibly the best present I’ve ever gotten; a bike. This bike isn’t super fancy or expensive (hi, Walmart!) but it’s mine and it was so thoughtful. We had been talking about something active to do together and riding bikes was at the top of our list. He took me on a surprise trip to pick and test out the bike. Guys, you should have seen me in the isle’s of Walmart. It was not “just like riding a bike” for me, I honestly thought I was going to be like Phoebe in Friends when Ross gifts her with her first bike ever. If you’ve never seen the show (the horror!) or the episode, the short version is this; Ross gives Phoebe her first bike and everyone finds out Phoebe just walks her bike everywhere and never rides it because she doesn’t know how to ride a bike. Spoiler alert, Ross does “teach” her how to ride a bike but as the camera pans out she’s using training wheels.

Anywaysssss, the difference between Phoebe and I was that I sorta kinda knew how to ride a bike but it had been about 8 years. The similarities are that I asked Joe if we could invest in some adult training wheels ☺️ Let’s just say, I was a hot mess in Walmart, literally, I was actually sweating because it was hot in there but I was nervous. I didn’t want everyone to realize this newly 31 year old woman has no freaking clue how to ride a bike! Side note: because of this I had to BEG Joe not to force me to wear a helmet…that would have brought great shame on me.

For the first few days after getting the bike home Joe and I would go outside and I’d practice for a little while. Turning was a skill that took me a while to acquire. I was nervous to go too far down the street so I kept having to get off the bike to turn it back around. I was also super embarrassed that I was learning how to ride a bike all over again that at one point a group of teenagers came rolling down the street on their skateboards and I immediately jumped off the bike and got “distracted” by my shoe. Believe me, I know how mean teenagers can be.

I was being so hard on myself for really no reason at all which seems to be a running theme in my life. Every time I would ride a little ways down the street I would look back at my husband with the excitement of a child and he was always standing there yelling how proud he was of me. It was so encouraging and exactly what I needed to continue to relearn how to balance on a bike. When we finally started riding around the block he secretly filmed me. I was mortified when he showed it to me because, hello insecurities, but because he was so proud to show me off I was a little bit too.

All of this might seem really silly to some of you but it triggered something in me because I have the hardest time being proud of myself. For some reason I just can’t accept and acknowledge my own accomplishments. One of the biggest examples in my life was when I finally graduated college after working my butt off for 10 years, I wasn’t even proud. I was going through my first experience with depression and I was embarrassed that it had taken me 10 years. I was frustrated that my life hadn’t turned out like all the others around me and I was heartbroken that I wasn’t in the same phase of life as my closest friends.

Honestly, my life has never looked like anyone else’s that I’ve known and as I’ve gotten older that fact has gotten a little easier to understand or accept. What hasn’t seemed to get easier is the comparison. I’m always really happy for people when great things happen to them but it definitely brings out deep insecurities in me. I start asking myself, why couldn’t you do that? Or why don’t you do better or work harder or blah blah bledity blah! Exhausting right?!

It has to stop, the madness has to end. Do you struggle with this too or is it just me? How can we fight against the comparison trap? I don’t know yet honestly. I’m currently living in this state but trying to work my way out. BUT; let’s first start with acknowledging we’re like this and accept it. I don’t mean to just say “okay, this is how I am so I can’t change.” NO, it’s being real with who we are and learning from it. Confronting what we’re really thinking and feeling. Be real!

I would LOVE to connect with you about this if you’re currently feeling this way, have any thoughts about it, or just want to say hi.

Sincerely,

Venice

Loving & Learning.

2 Comments July 13, 2018 VLM

I have now been married for a little over 3 months! I know, newbs…but 3 months have come and gone and left me learning a ton of things. Our first week started off very…let’s call it interesting. We got married on a Sunday and spent a few days in Orlando going to my dream land, Harry Potter World. Once we got home we spent one night here and the next several nights at the hospital, yes hospital. Ahhhh just what you expect when you’re living in wedded bliss as a newlywed right?? Yeah no. To say I was disappointed was an understatement. Unfortunately Joe ended up with his first ever kidney stone and it was a doozy.

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From the most magical place on earth to the hospital room is challenging, adding an expanding business is even harder. Joe is a brilliant mechanic and took a huge opportunity to expand the size of his shop right at the same time we were planning a wedding. Needless to say we were both under a ton of stress and it made our first month of marriage incredibly interesting. I’ll be honest, we fought a lot! I was frustrated that I was spending every night at home alone while he was working super late at the shop. His work had become such a sore spot in our relationship that I was becoming really bitter whenever the topic came up which was all the time. Needless to say the first month was rough. I knew marriage was going to be hard but this was hard. Where was that wedded bliss that everyone talks about?!

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I have a theory about wedded bliss, it doesn’t really exist. Before you get all sad like I burst your fairy tale bubble…I think that’s okay; I actually like it this way. Why you might ask? Well, it takes a TON of pressure off of me and hopefully you too. I knew getting married would not be perfection by any means but I did think we’d be in a little bubble of bliss for a little bit. But I had it wrong. Real life doesn’t exist in a bubble of bliss because it’s not real. Real life is hard, it’s messy and complicated; it’s heartbreaking and incredibly exciting. Life is so much better than that little bubble of bliss that I imagined my first few months of marriage was going to be. Joe and I have had some BIG fights. You know what I’ve appreciated most about them? Joe’s persistence in pushing through them and reminding me that these fights suck (big time!) but that they help us to learn more and more about one another. The fights lead to grace and forgiveness.

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I’m learning how to be more humble, patient, and gentle. I’m learning how to cook nutritious meals for two that don’t consist of just turkey hot dogs and mac and cheese (hi pasta!). I’m learning how to share a bathroom sink and “my” space with another person. Everything is now “ours” and that’s new for both of us.

Life is different but so much more full. Joe and I both have gotten what we’ve always wanted; someone to share our life with. We both have a whole history of things that have happened before each other and now it’s us moving forward together.

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Now, does anyone have advice on budgeting? 🙂 He’s the saver, I’m the spender…any tools to recommend?

Photography: Emma Shourds Photography

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5 tips for online dating.

**1. Post real pictures.**

Make sure that your pictures accurately represent who you are. I know, I know, that’s asking a lot but the saying is true, “a picture paints a thousand words.” I was super intimated by so many of the guys pictures online. These guys had pictures of them skydiving, rock climbing, and traveling the world. I’m all about traveling the world and getting your adeline fix (which is not for me) but what about the guy who works a “regular” job and doesn’t plunge to their death out of planes?! I wanted to meet that guy.

The worst pictures to me were the ones of a guy in front of a fancy AF car or my personal favorite of a guy naked behind a guitar. Don’t worry you couldn’t see anything 🙂 I felt so lame at first because the only pictures I had of myself was reading a book, at a coffee shop, or some selfies that I reluctantly took for my profile and of course a couple of my travels. At the end of the day those were the photos that represented me in my element.

Make sure that your pictures are recent, meaning, do not post pictures from 10 years ago! Most likely you don’t look like that anymore, time does a lot of things to the body. Allowing the other person to get a preview of what you truly look like is the first step.

2. Make the first move.

Ladies, we’ve been told the majority of our lives to wait for men to make the first move. Let me tell you, that doesn’t always work. Why do women have to sit back and wait?! If you want to meet someone then make the move! Go after what you want girl! You might not be meeting “the one” but you might get some practice talking to someone. A little flirting never hurt anybody.

Send a message saying hi and ask them a question about something in their profile, make a cheesy joke, or even compliment them if you’re feeling super confident. You want to engage the person and say something to them that asks for a response back to hopefully start a conversation.

3. Don’t be so picky!

This is big, I know but hear me out! There was a time that I didn’t want to talk to a guy online because he was wearing a shirt I didn’t like or had a grammatical error in his profile. In those moments I was doing two things; 1. being judgmental and 2. being closed minded. Was I really not going to talk to someone because they had a job I didn’t understand, or one of his pictures weren’t up to my standards? Talk about me sitting all high and mighty behind my computer screen.

A few months before meeting Joe (the hubs) I decided to try my best at being more open-minded when talking to guys online. I came to the conclusion that if I expected a guy to be open to dating me, I had to stop shutting them down over silly reasons. Sometimes we just need to give someone a chance. On the other hand, sometimes we give the wrong people too many chances, especially when they’re super cute. Major deal breakers are things like religion, desire to be married, addiction, anger, and kids. Those are big things that you need to stick to your guns about; but someone wearing a bad outfit or liking a different genre of music, or not having perfect teeth are not. Don’t shut people down so easily.

4. Don’t put all your eggs in 1 basket.

I think it’s a good idea to talk to multiple people at once. Some people might not agree but I think it’s a good thing. Whenever I would start talking to someone that was “my type” or we “clicked” I would automatically get excited and hopeful. There’s nothing wrong with hope but a lot of times it’s a big letdown. Usually when you’re online dating your desire is to meet someone to date and hopefully get married to. You might start

envisioning a life with them and put the cart before the horse. Remind yourself that you are just trying to meet and get to know someone. Get to know them, go on several dates and then see if you actually click enough to hit the pause button on meeting other people. Typically I stopped talking to other guys after the second date with someone.

I would say try and limit yourself to three people, anymore than that it gets really difficult to keep track of the conversations. A lot of times conversations fizzle out really quickly so it’s not hard to talk to a couple of them at once. It helps to keep things more light and not so serious. Just because you finally get to talk to someone doesn’t mean they are your someone.

5. Be yourself.

This is key. If you can’t do this then you should probably spend more time getting to know who you are and what you want. Don’t pretend to like the same activities just to impress them in some way. They might respect your honesty more than anything. It’s a lot easier to be super honest with someone when you don’t like them as much because you’re trying to impress them less. Make sure you are honest across the board no matter who you are talking to. This doesn’t mean go ahead and tell them all your deepest darkest secrets but if I had met someone that wanted to have a running partner I would have to tell them that I hate running because I might not be the type of person they are looking for. You don’t want to fool anyone. It’s better to be who you are with a person you really enjoy and upfront with them so they get to know the real you because I’m sure you’re awesome!

If you have any questions about online dating feel free to ask!