It’s just like riding a bike

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My husband got me the best birthday present and possibly the best present I’ve ever gotten; a bike. This bike isn’t super fancy or expensive (hi, Walmart!) but it’s mine and it was so thoughtful. We had been talking about something active to do together and riding bikes was at the top of our list. He took me on a surprise trip to pick and test out the bike. Guys, you should have seen me in the isle’s of Walmart. It was not “just like riding a bike” for me, I honestly thought I was going to be like Phoebe in Friends when Ross gifts her with her first bike ever. If you’ve never seen the show (the horror!) or the episode, the short version is this; Ross gives Phoebe her first bike and everyone finds out Phoebe just walks her bike everywhere and never rides it because she doesn’t know how to ride a bike. Spoiler alert, Ross does “teach” her how to ride a bike but as the camera pans out she’s using training wheels.

Anywaysssss, the difference between Phoebe and I was that I sorta kinda knew how to ride a bike but it had been about 8 years. The similarities are that I asked Joe if we could invest in some adult training wheels ☺️ Let’s just say, I was a hot mess in Walmart, literally, I was actually sweating because it was hot in there but I was nervous. I didn’t want everyone to realize this newly 31 year old woman has no freaking clue how to ride a bike! Side note: because of this I had to BEG Joe not to force me to wear a helmet…that would have brought great shame on me.

For the first few days after getting the bike home Joe and I would go outside and I’d practice for a little while. Turning was a skill that took me a while to acquire. I was nervous to go too far down the street so I kept having to get off the bike to turn it back around. I was also super embarrassed that I was learning how to ride a bike all over again that at one point a group of teenagers came rolling down the street on their skateboards and I immediately jumped off the bike and got “distracted” by my shoe. Believe me, I know how mean teenagers can be.

I was being so hard on myself for really no reason at all which seems to be a running theme in my life. Every time I would ride a little ways down the street I would look back at my husband with the excitement of a child and he was always standing there yelling how proud he was of me. It was so encouraging and exactly what I needed to continue to relearn how to balance on a bike. When we finally started riding around the block he secretly filmed me. I was mortified when he showed it to me because, hello insecurities, but because he was so proud to show me off I was a little bit too.

All of this might seem really silly to some of you but it triggered something in me because I have the hardest time being proud of myself. For some reason I just can’t accept and acknowledge my own accomplishments. One of the biggest examples in my life was when I finally graduated college after working my butt off for 10 years, I wasn’t even proud. I was going through my first experience with depression and I was embarrassed that it had taken me 10 years. I was frustrated that my life hadn’t turned out like all the others around me and I was heartbroken that I wasn’t in the same phase of life as my closest friends.

Honestly, my life has never looked like anyone else’s that I’ve known and as I’ve gotten older that fact has gotten a little easier to understand or accept. What hasn’t seemed to get easier is the comparison. I’m always really happy for people when great things happen to them but it definitely brings out deep insecurities in me. I start asking myself, why couldn’t you do that? Or why don’t you do better or work harder or blah blah bledity blah! Exhausting right?!

It has to stop, the madness has to end. Do you struggle with this too or is it just me? How can we fight against the comparison trap? I don’t know yet honestly. I’m currently living in this state but trying to work my way out. BUT; let’s first start with acknowledging we’re like this and accept it. I don’t mean to just say “okay, this is how I am so I can’t change.” NO, it’s being real with who we are and learning from it. Confronting what we’re really thinking and feeling. Be real!

I would LOVE to connect with you about this if you’re currently feeling this way, have any thoughts about it, or just want to say hi.

Sincerely,

Venice

Personal Health

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I’ve been really quiet this past week for a couple of reasons. The first being, I just took on some bigger responsibilities at work and it has kicked my butt. I love that it’s keeping me busy and my mind occupied but it’s also been exhausting. The other reason I’ve been quiet started last weekend. Did you all know that May is Mental Health Awareness Month? I just noticed that this year for the first time. In light of that, I thought I would share a little bit of my story with depression. I’ve struggled with depression over the past couple of years and have been in counseling since. For about a year I’ve felt like I had it under control or whatever that means. I felt like I had “conquered” my depression. Those of you that have also struggled with depression know that’s not really possible.

Last Saturday I started feeling down, which probably had something to do with Mother’s Day the next morning. My life has changed so much since I lost my mom 16 years ago and this past year has especially been an amazing whirlwind. But just because I’ve had a “good” year doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to experience whatever this is. The first and last time I was hit with depression was after my last relationship ended. It was fast and furious and ended as quickly as it began. During our relationship my aunts health declined and then she passed. It all happened so fast; the relationship, sickness, and death, that my emotions couldn’t catch up. A few weeks after the breakup, every painful loss I had experienced came pouring out. It was like an emotional avalanche where I couldn’t control my emotions anymore, there were too many to feel and process and I wasn’t prepared. Those were some of the darkest days I have ever experienced. I dragged myself out of bed for work but that was about it. Work was good for me and was the only place where my feelings felt neutral. But when I would get home I would hide under the covers and sleep and not feel anything. Depression is this weird conflict of emotions; you feel too much and therefore you almost feel nothing. I know that doesn’t really make sense but it’s really difficult to explain. It’s like things are happening all around you but you don’t notice or just don’t care. Depression is no joke. I was in therapy every week and sometimes would just sit and cry. My therapist would bring out a feelings chart because I wasn’t able to express anything other than “okay”. Therapy is the hardest but most rewarding work I have ever done. Since then I haven’t felt those down or depressed feelings until last weekend.

I am by no means where I was a couple of years ago but the same thoughts and feelings aren’t there but it’s familiar to me. I have a fear of being in that place I was two years ago. I knew something was going on when I pretty much stayed in bed all last weekend and a couple of friends texted me and it took all my effort to send a simple text back even hours later. I tend to isolate myself when I feel this way and I hate that. I’ve worked so hard over the last couple of years and have the tools I need so that I don’t crawl back into my hole. I also have an amazing husband who is so understanding and kind. While I was hiding in the bedroom writing he was painting the living room. I feel a little useless but we both know it’s important to take care of yourself. I thought I would be over feeling this way but it hasn’t happened yet. I just don’t feel “my normal” and I hate it. I’m super critical and incredibly hard on myself in all things including depression. I need to remember to give myself grace. It’s okay to take the time to process whatever this is and rest.

Have you heard of Jen Gotch? Well I think she’s amazing and the founder of shopbando. She’s so open and honest about her mental health and shares so many of her ups and downs with her 200k+ followers so I thought I could share with the handful of mine. It has taken me daysssss to finish this post because I keep editing what I think people will want/not want to hear. I crave honesty in all of my relationships and so it always needs to start with me. If I can’t be honest then I can’t expect it out of others.

I’m going to focus on self-care this week which is super hard for people that struggle with depression, you can read more about that here. I’m planning on doing the following:

  • take a bath
  • put on a face mask
  • make a delicious cup of tea
  • go through my closet (I know this doesn’t sound very “self-carey” but it’s something I really need to do and it stresses me out! So in hopes of eliminating a little stress I’m going to do it.)

These things might sound so small and silly to you but for me they are things that I have enjoyed at one time or another…well maybe not the cleaning part 🙂

I also don’t feel as bad as I did last weekend. Emotions are tricky and unpredictable which I don’t like. I’m learning to let go and embrace where I’m at right now.