My husband got me the best birthday present and possibly the best present I’ve ever gotten; a bike. This bike isn’t super fancy or expensive (hi, Walmart!) but it’s mine and it was so thoughtful. We had been talking about something active to do together and riding bikes was at the top of our list. He took me on a surprise trip to pick and test out the bike. Guys, you should have seen me in the isle’s of Walmart. It was not “just like riding a bike” for me, I honestly thought I was going to be like Phoebe in Friends when Ross gifts her with her first bike ever. If you’ve never seen the show (the horror!) or the episode, the short version is this; Ross gives Phoebe her first bike and everyone finds out Phoebe just walks her bike everywhere and never rides it because she doesn’t know how to ride a bike. Spoiler alert, Ross does “teach” her how to ride a bike but as the camera pans out she’s using training wheels.

Anywaysssss, the difference between Phoebe and I was that I sorta kinda knew how to ride a bike but it had been about 8 years. The similarities are that I asked Joe if we could invest in some adult training wheels ☺️ Let’s just say, I was a hot mess in Walmart, literally, I was actually sweating because it was hot in there but I was nervous. I didn’t want everyone to realize this newly 31 year old woman has no freaking clue how to ride a bike! Side note: because of this I had to BEG Joe not to force me to wear a helmet…that would have brought great shame on me.

For the first few days after getting the bike home Joe and I would go outside and I’d practice for a little while. Turning was a skill that took me a while to acquire. I was nervous to go too far down the street so I kept having to get off the bike to turn it back around. I was also super embarrassed that I was learning how to ride a bike all over again that at one point a group of teenagers came rolling down the street on their skateboards and I immediately jumped off the bike and got “distracted” by my shoe. Believe me, I know how mean teenagers can be.

I was being so hard on myself for really no reason at all which seems to be a running theme in my life. Every time I would ride a little ways down the street I would look back at my husband with the excitement of a child and he was always standing there yelling how proud he was of me. It was so encouraging and exactly what I needed to continue to relearn how to balance on a bike. When we finally started riding around the block he secretly filmed me. I was mortified when he showed it to me because, hello insecurities, but because he was so proud to show me off I was a little bit too.

All of this might seem really silly to some of you but it triggered something in me because I have the hardest time being proud of myself. For some reason I just can’t accept and acknowledge my own accomplishments. One of the biggest examples in my life was when I finally graduated college after working my butt off for 10 years, I wasn’t even proud. I was going through my first experience with depression and I was embarrassed that it had taken me 10 years. I was frustrated that my life hadn’t turned out like all the others around me and I was heartbroken that I wasn’t in the same phase of life as my closest friends.

Honestly, my life has never looked like anyone else’s that I’ve known and as I’ve gotten older that fact has gotten a little easier to understand or accept. What hasn’t seemed to get easier is the comparison. I’m always really happy for people when great things happen to them but it definitely brings out deep insecurities in me. I start asking myself, why couldn’t you do that? Or why don’t you do better or work harder or blah blah bledity blah! Exhausting right?!

It has to stop, the madness has to end. Do you struggle with this too or is it just me? How can we fight against the comparison trap? I don’t know yet honestly. I’m currently living in this state but trying to work my way out. BUT; let’s first start with acknowledging we’re like this and accept it. I don’t mean to just say “okay, this is how I am so I can’t change.” NO, it’s being real with who we are and learning from it. Confronting what we’re really thinking and feeling. Be real!

I would LOVE to connect with you about this if you’re currently feeling this way, have any thoughts about it, or just want to say hi.

Sincerely,

Venice